The Right Moment

All your life you wait for the right moment to arrive. The right moment and the right person with whom you share your deepest secrets and feelings. It is not that you guys aren't fast friends but it never occurred to you that this person can become so important in life. All the while you could only appreciate how funny and cool-to-hang-out this friend was, but it surprises you how understanding he really is.

You believed that this world doesn't really care about your silly woes and problems. You made new friends in college but never shared your deepest feelings; only afraid that this friend won't be interested. There had been strong urges to tell this friend how you feel. But you deferred; because it wasn't the right time and you hoped that some day you would share these little things with him. You had justified then that it was too early.

The right moment arrives and you want to tell all. The moment is so bizarre that you cannot help but smile. The Moment is different for different people. To some it advents while relaxing on the golden sand beaches with sun setting on the horizon. To some, the long drive down the open road overwhelms the mind with emotions and feelings. To some, it is a sleepy hour past midnight when you are perched on the Upper Berth of a train heading back home and you are really thinking of pulling the chain. To some, it is a lonely dinner and a long ride on a cold wintry night. To some, it is one of those last laughs and tears shared on the stairs of college. Sometimes it is just another sleepless night and an SMS explains the whole reason behind insomnia.

At this moment, you just can't hold it anymore. You want to tell how you feel about that girl, how you feel about God, how you feel about parents, how exactly you had proposed or how much efforts went in vain while pursuing and also the deepest fears of loneliness. You wish the moment never passes. But there is so much to tell. You realize you waited too long. You worry whether this moment will arrive again or whether there will be anybody ever again to listen whatever you want to say.

Time has to run out. Always rushing. It mocks at our inability to catch up. You wish you could put a leg and trip Time down. It passes by unnoticed. Time is invisible. It is unfair. Sometimes you are tired of this game. Time defeats you. Time is invincible. Every time you are ready to intercept Time, it is either too late or too early. Why is Time so impatient?! May be because of... The Reason.

There is so much left to say, so much left to share, so much left to understand and so much left to free you from this burden. But anyway those moments were amazing. There is a lot left inside. May be some other day. You know, the sunset moment has to pass to make way for sunrise.

Getting elder by the minute

Try to recall the oldest memories in your mind. How old were you then? Four or may be Five. The memories do not seem that old, do they? You had your own ideas about the world, conscience, and about yourself. You had those childish dreams which seem so unrealistic now.

Making friends was so easy then. You just had to lend the first two fingers of your hand, kiss it off and you get yourself a friend. If things didn't work out the little finger came to the rescue, “katti – foo”! Dosti – Katti were two transitions that used to happen as frequently as sunrise – sunset. You had no idea what betrayal is. May be some cheating from their side during “hide and seek” always ended up you as a seeker. Or umpired out of a forbidden fast ball in the “galli cricket” Things never were complicated back then.

You did some terrible things like giving a funeral service to your buddy fish in the aquarium which died on a hot sumer afternoon. It was crazy but felt right. School taught to help the helpless and you brought home a cute looking puppy, which was not welcomed by mom. You emulated all the fight scenes in movies and imitated your favorite hero with shirts unbuttoned!

Aspiring was easier than dreaming; oblivious to how exactly you going to achieve it; not caring whether you have the capability in the first place. Gradually education made you smarter in laws like gravity and you realized that flying like Super-man isn't really possible Those cool maneuvers of Turbo-Kat jet by the Swat-Kats defied all laws of centrifugal force!! All the powers Shaktiman had weren't real!

You had no idea about caste and creed. It was never an issue. Names were enough when you made friends. The fact that this person has the bat or ball to play cricket sufficed and not his ancestral background. History taught about great divide among the people. And suddenly you became very very aware of the surnames.

World is so complicated that figuring it out is like playing hide and seek again. The difference is that you are the seeker every day. When young you counted till 10-Mississippi before all the friends hid themselves. Every morning you get up the Mississippi count is over. You wish you didn't have to open your eyes.

Every day when you look back in the past you are elder. You understand you are more intelligent and smarter. As a child you always wanted to become a grown-up. And then when you look in the mirror; the present; you ask yourself whether the choices and decisions you made were right; whether this is the image of the grown-up you always wanted to become.

Paa

He must have told you the story a hundred times. Yet, you never get enough of it. The beginning of the story is always the same; “When I was your age…” And then he narrates it all. It’s not that you have heard it for the first time but the narration is always riveting. You wish you were a director; the story is worth a movie. You laugh at how crazy you were about the super-heroes cartoon serials. He is nothing less than a hero. He doesn’t have super-natural powers; but natural powers, which make him greater.

When you look at him carefully you see the chiseled face; which was sculpted by experiences; both good and bad. His mother knows he looks different. All his life he couldn’t notice those canyons made by tear-rivers he let flow when alone, the deep trenches made by ruthless quakes in market, scars made by the hot winds of misfortune and wrinkles made by time. He has treaded the path for almost half a century now. He keeps walking.

As a kid you remembered him only when you wanted a new toy, and when hurt cried only in her arms. Unlike her, he never pulled you close and cried with you. He did not even cry when you left home but stayed composed to comfort her. There was a reason to it. He is the barked-tree. Hardened by the ugly side of life. He wants you to turn into the same. The FIGURE of him is to teach. Now you recall the days when he taught how to ride the bicycle. You fell, because he wanted you to. Someone has rightly said, “Why do we fall…? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” I had thanked him only for buying me the bicycle; I owe the thank-you for teaching it.

He lost many of his dear ones, lost to time. He hates to marry “off” his daughter, lost to inexplicable and anomalous laws of society. He never had a shoulder to cry on. On the contrary others sought his shoulder. He compromised… he just pursed his lips hard, but when his strength gave up… sat on the floor and cried by hiding his face in his palms or may be between his knees; no one knows exactly. He is the ocean which contains rivers of sorrow.

You go into a trance while listening to the story. You picture yourself in his place and doubt whether you are capable of handling those hardships. This tree would never show what’s beneath the barks. He stands firm and strong by your side. He is the example of life that you are about to lead. He is Paa.

because of ... The Reason

Ever wondered why? Yes! “Why?” The first question we always asked to our parents during adolescence. You wanted to know why is the sky blue in color. You wanted to know why mother doesn’t approve of you playing with fire. And why was it so important to wash your hands before having meals. Why do others want us to succeed in life? And please.... for God’s sake; tell me why do you care so much about me.

Why has God created so many emotions for us? For a moment you think of all the beautiful things in your life and wonder; how can you live without them. When the newborn child grabs the finger of its father assuring that one day his son would offer his finger during senile times. The hug from her home-returned son that smoothes out the uneven heartbeats mother had had since the day he left home. Why isn’t there anything that can soothe mummy that I am fine?

At other moments you think of the dear ones you lost and wonder; what could it be like if they were still with you. Past gropes on the walls of your heart scratching deep wounds; punishing you for your reluctance to say only the three words, “I Love You!” Why does God mock at us, making it impossible to bring back the time?

There are moments when you wish you could spend the life with your only love. The sight of whom comforts you. You have no idea how long it had been when you last saw her. It may have been only an hour. You are apprehensive before proposing your love to her, afraid of all the odds against you. And when she smiles and nods, the apprehension evanesces. It becomes like the flower and the dewdrop. Both cannot do without each other. Why is life so incomplete without her?

You cannot imagine life without your family of friends. The friend can see inside your mind. Your friend can make out that you are upset when you are unusually quiet. At other moments he can bask in your euphoria; be it topping the charts in college or a stupid six or a wicket in a cricket match. You hug all that out. Often you feel the urge to hug the dear friend and let the hearts do the sharing. It may be a deep sorrow or a silly worry. Dear friend! Why do I long for your hug?

But as you proceed in this journey called life, this quest to find reason withers away. You finally realize there aren’t sufficient answers to the questions. You start to understand there is no point answering those questions. They are better off unanswered. Why are the reasons so inexplicable? Oh dear! Another “Why?” Every time I ask myself the question I end my answer with “because of ... The Reason”.

Friends

Life’s a journey and you are baffled at some juncture when you have to decide which way to tread. Since the day you were born you had been made to travel this way of life with no destination even past the horizon. You haven’t even realized that your endurance has been truly indefatigable.

At all these crossroads you want to look back, and see the past in the eye. The same old feeling comes rushing back in the heart. You irritate yourself for trying to remember when was the last time this familiar pain had surfaced. It happens too often. It happens too often to shrug it off as a déjà vu. It’s like building a sand castle on the beach. You work so hard to make it beautiful. But in the ruck of abeyant experiences in some corner of your mind, you know that at any moment the sea wave will ruin the fantasy you had been tirelessly devising.

It reminds you of the train journey. You bid goodbye to the fellow passengers who made the journey so memorable; you wished your destination be same. But it is disturbing when life teaches you; the journey has not even come to an end and one of you has to alight, to start another expedition. You stand at the doors of the slowing down train and you can actually see the passage of the “T for time”, re-living the life you spent with your friends.

You felt so secure among your group of friends! Life is a thin lariat, and you have your share of falls. But every time you fell, a friend was there to lend you the helping hand. Your friend had always been sunrise of the day. The bunking of lectures together, the numerous bites you grabbed outside college and rated all the eligible girls you thought were girlfriend type. You enjoyed the life so much, you never let go a single opportunity of being with your friends. You partied hard at your friend’s birthday but before that you smacked the posterior of all friends light enough to be carried by 4 persons. You never visited the nearby picnic spot during the day, but waited for a black out so that you can take the bikes and explore places in the night. Even if the place is outside the city premises.

You planned the innumerable “mazze” time you shared with the friends, enjoying it every time. It could be a trip to a far away place or a silly but prestigious cricket match. You tried all the sledging you heard on TV in a losing match. And collectively lamented the defeat. You enjoyed being the part of the games like Table Tennis and carrom you weren’t even good at. You watched movies together and ridiculed the horror ones and cried hiding your face during the emotional.

You laughed at the jokes on anybody in the group. You were teased for all the funny posts on the community forum and even the way you dressed. You had hated them then. But now you are surprised to see yourself smile at your own fiasco. You cried when you failed and shared your sorrows and relationship problems in life. Every time, there was a shoulder to cry on.

Friendship is in fact a recondite relationship. It is a travesty to be a “Dostana”. It is indeed platonic and close to the heart. I spent so many great moments with my friends. Right now I am seeing that “T for time” outside the slowing down train. I think I want to change my decision about alighting down the next station.

The Thing Called Love

You always shrugged it off as an infatuation. But a part of you knew it can’t be. For the first time in your life you so often realize that there is a Heart just under that over-smart brain of yours. It pounds so hard you start wondering “what’s up?” with this small organ inside your body, which was obediently pumping blood since the last 20 years and you snubbed it since so long.

You try to dismiss this frivolous demeanor of the heart. It occurs often to remind you there is something wrong with yourself. You smile for no reason when you are certain about the subtlety that’s hanging in the air. It takes some time to understand the reason why the heart was acting “conspicuous”.

All of a sudden you find yourself helpless without that person, even when you had boasted about how brave and cool you have been. You feel the heart again the same way it felt yesterday but each time it seems heavier than before and the rest of the body lighter. Feelings have indeed their own weight. As a science student you are amused of your discovery. This is how it feels like when that person actually lives in your heart. It was this; the stupid Hindi songs were talking about! Couldn’t they be clearer?

You catch glimpses of her when you get an opportunity. The mind goes crazy. It doesn’t understand how to react to this problem of yours. It’s happy and depressed at the same time. The dreams of spending the life with her make you happy. And the same mind evaluates the chances of losing her. Her presence completes a part, you had been deprived of. The smile comforts your soul, which promises you everything is beautiful and you will never cry out another tear. Her words like the zephyr which caresses the leaves of a tree assuring that it will always be there for them; that there is no fear.

All that literature about love you denigrated every time you had a chance was true. With 385 words and still counting it is not possible to explain this thing called love. Every time I ask this question about “what is love?” there are no definitions ……. Only feelings! Feelings answer this billion dollar question.

I can really Feel the Feelings Now

Since the past so many days, I was thinking about why the mind is so obsessed about its own feelings. I personally believe that mind has nothing to do with the brain. If it’s the blood that flows inside out of a brain, they are feelings that flow inside out of the mind.

Since childhood I have always tried my best to control my feelings like what I think about my friends , what I think about God and what I think about myself. Every moment I had strived so hard, I hadn’t allowed the feelings to enslave me. You adopt certain principles in life, which aren’t even taught to you. No one gives any hint or an idea. They just occur to you, and you make those an integral part of your identity.

I always tried to hide my feelings. Not that I was afraid, but I believed feelings were for the weak.  And it has taken some time, to realize that I was wrong. Circumstances teach you, mould you to a different person. You wonder why you had been that way. What good did it do? You have a dilemma whether you should give up and appreciate that you had been stupid, or just hang on to whatever crap you believed – only because it was yours. Testing your endurance as to how long you can sustain, how good you are at advocating your principle and justifying at the same time.

But when you learn life’s lessons you get used to it. You get fairly acquainted with what life is really about. And suddenly you are different as a person, as a friend, as a child. Every time I learn that I had not been right, it reminds me of a turtle. No one had told it to stay inside the hard shell. It was the turtle’s decision. It seems that it had tried to harden his feelings, blot out all that made it look weak and feeble. But the world always knew that within that shell there is a softer and sensitive part which couldn’t harden for some reason even after an aeon.

Feelings really don’t have a pathway as the blood has veins and arteries. It’s like when you are standing and it’s raining. The feelings are the rain drops. You believe there was never a necessity of an umbrella. You hadn’t cared to look up and acknowledge. The cloud above was always one.