Dil Chahta Hai

“I miss you!”. Three words and you never say it often. You were not sure how badly this

realization will strike after that last good-bye hug. You wished to cry. There were too many memories that flashed as they asked you to take care and keep in touch. But for some vague assumption that it will be inappropriate, you kept nodding.

It was difficult to take farewell from so many people every day and getting the same feeling. Each one of them must have said bye and hugged you 100 times. You then remembered that you have to leave and they understood. But then somebody brought up an old distant memory or incident and then you discussed the same way you had been doing. They called you all the dirty,sweet and cool names you were known for, even while shaking hands the umpteenth time and supposedly last.

Now, you have nothing but the countless folders in your computer accumulated over these years containing images from VGA quality to high definition. Some of them blurred and dark, whose significance is known to only few. There are no captions but you can effortlessly recall what the photo is about. The moments can replay vividly in the mind. Dear friend, I wish time stood still with this photo.

We are so different. We are not kindred spirits. Yet, a part of my subconscious made me talk to you. There were circumstances, when I even faked my attitude, my behaviour; when I was consciously - not me, just to hang around. But now my friend I realize, may be I didn’t fake it, may be you made me discover a new me.

Destinations, journey, cross-roads. I look back to see the past in the eye. The situation is similar but the feeling is not. I thought I could take it, but it depresses more every time. I thought it was a train journey and I even changed my mind about alighting down the next station. But now, we seem like the balls in the ball-in-the-maze puzzle; God steering every individual’s destiny towards a goal.

Bags were zipped up. The car was waiting in the rain. It was time to pull up the window. The water droplets did an excellent job of hiding my tears; perhaps yours as well. Now, “dil chahta hai” this car left for a long drive, to a scary place, to discuss ghosts, to atop the hill, to an overpriced restaurant or may be to nowhere in particular!

Zipping my memories

Until yesterday you and I stood on same earth. But what is happening today? My earth seemingly revolves in opposite direction. The clock you gifted me shows absurd time. I am looking in the direction you mentioned. I am focusing hard dear, but I don’t see red colour splashed on the horizon. I turned all around, not a breeze ruffled my hairdo.

My sight seems myopic. Your face appears blurring. How can I catch your wink and know our next prank? I am unable to figure out from eyes’ sparkle whether you are excited or crying a river. I am waiting for that one blink of assurance sweetheart that I am not alone and never will be.

I am not good at lip reading dear. There is a commotion here. I don’t hear my nasty nick name. Did you burst out laughter or wince in pain? But you guaranteed that you read and you got a phone too. I have been shouting that I will miss you and love you forever. Could you also notice the tremble?

Oh I see your hand waving goodbye! We need a last loud high-five. The senile hand doesn’t know her support will be away only for a while. I want to hold your face in my palms. I got a touch screen device to make up. I run my finger across your face and the crappy UI interferes.

I can’t stop my reverse trail. I wish the horizon spread a little farther. Or I could accommodate it in my bag! I am so helpless without you dear? How can I drink away all your tears? How can I hug into your caring heart? How can I kiss for our endless love?

Cry

He straightened up and bulged out his heavy chest against the gale. The air circled around his waist, his arms and the ribcage could feel the temperature difference. The shoulders were relentlessly trying to pull back the bare chest, the arms trying to embrace the waist and avert the shiver and crack of ribs. The face was helpless; enduring all the scarring. They all endured and persevered for the sake of eyes. Cause eyes were timid; cause it was time when eyes would take too long to come out of their protective shell and confront the strong wind. The rest were patient though and knew, that eyes had to come out eventually; it all seemed a ritual lately.

Deep inside the brain, there was a pandemonium. Control and Instinct had long gone haywire. None of the two knew who mastered whom. May be their roles were reversed or perhaps both intertwined like the yin-yang. They both battled and the consequence was a naked body standing in the cold wind’s way. Mind was busy reminiscing the past, the misfortune, the mistakes and the aftermath. It seemed dormant now, completely battered and clobbered. The scenes of life so far, started- first slowly and then in an endless replay mode. Eyes were both witness and the convict for recording them.

There was no recollection of the good times in life. He was prepared, nurtured and trained for the toughest, fiercest challenges. But choices and decisions turned some uneven pages in life. The bed of roses suddenly transformed into a labyrinth of thorns. The might was adequate, the success was officially awarded, but the sacrifice made was too much. The mirth of success was short-lived. Perhaps he ran too fast for others to keep up. He climbed the podium and looked back. The cheers were gone. So was the person for whom this was all about. What is success? Is it what you have accomplished? Or is it what you are left with?

They say dreams have substance when they are not companions of your sound sleep but catalysts to insomnia. He had too many of them. The early morning alarm bells were just his wake-up calls that ‘it hadn’t happened’. The rest of the day had been spent pondering ‘what if it will?’. But the dreams never materialized. An atheist he, asks secretly to the supposed Almighty; one question, “Why others’, why not mine?”. “Were others the first to dream that? Or they deserved more than me? ” “Are all my dreams disruptive to Your Natural Order and Scheme of Things?”. What are dreams? Are they spiritual guidance, a God’s message? Or are they extreme scientific hallucinations; a chemical imbalance?

A hail stone brushed the cheek, the arms loosened and the sudden chill interrupted the play. The brain was exhausted, almost given up. It somehow started its routine monitoring of the body. Eyes had no intention to open up. The shoulders were adamant in their position. The arms tightened again. The face just took another scar. Lungs reluctantly inhaled and mixed oxygen in blood. But there was an unusual activity in the heart. Who was directing it? Control or Instinct?

The heart was in its best form. The pumping of blood throughout the body was being carried out with full efficiency. Brain dropped by, to perform a last status check. Inside a thousand memories resided. All of them of love, care and affection. All of them from friends, family and the one person who always waited, cared and loved. Brain was stunned. Heart patted, brain swung back violently, Heart smiled and said, “Whenever you are ready! Take your time.” Brain knelt! The pandemonium that had broken out, broke off. Eyes had only one way to love back, it came out of their protective shell. The sight of the clouds hugging and kissing the snow capped mountain peak was overwhelming. Then, flood.