The Last Glimpse

It is harder than anticipated. It is more precise than the wildest guess. It has become too painful for preparedness you have developed to face this ugly truth. All the efforts to comfort this blow have turned out futile.

“It is never too late!” Not entirely true is it? Now God punishes us for the things we deferred. Here come the moments that make you realize they are the last ones. It is like trying to carry home the sands at sea shores. Silently those cute little particles slip out of your clench. And by the time you reach home, you learn that you are alone; the sands abandon you.

Man is such a helpless animal. He boasts about being the smartest species on earth. But in some corner of his brain’s counterpart –mind; he knows he cannot live alone. He finally understands that the blood was just keeping the brain alive; the mind was thriving on emotions and feelings. All these years you spent your life painting a masterpiece. The picture was almost getting complete, when God stole your colors away.

These are some moments when you turn to God. Praying to him to bring back the time to complete that unfinished dance step on the DJ floor with your friend. Requesting to bring back the situation when a sitcom made you laugh so hard you thought you were going to pass out from the stomachache. Kneeling down and begging one last rain when you don’t care about the mobile phone and the cool drops make the feeling of freedom re-surface. Pleading to slow down time because you haven’t yet framed the sentences to tell that girl how much you love her.

Relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. You are one of the many pieces. All the while you strived needlessly to make yourself perfect. Life teaches that all pieces are imperfect for a reason. Their irregularity is what makes easier for them to accommodate each other. It is another of the nature’s miracles when it shows that these unshaped pieces take shape into a beautiful picture.

Things are ending like a sunset. It looks so beautiful that you promise to stare it forever. But the dusk is waiting for that slight eye-blink to subtly take over. Eyes are welling up. I don't know whether it is because of staring-strain or emotions. But I don't want to miss this Last Glimpse.

It Is Time

There are times when you really want to give up. You are tired of proving yourself to the world, done with all the failures and incapability. You have no idea why you are doing this. This burden of proving yourself gets heavier everyday. Your soul and mind aches under the enormous weight of challenges, lessons and experiences. You discover that the only struggle easier than today's was yesterday's.

It is not that you have not seen yourself succeed in life. But success never stays with you longer. It has to go away and you have to keep chasing it till you lose your breath and collapse to the earth. Every fall scars your face. The salt in those tears make the wounds even more painful. Getting up becomes impossible. The heart pounds hard against the rough rocks beneath you. The lungs cry out for air. When you look at the injured self, you make up your mind that may be It is time. You wish the heart stops or the lungs give in. You kill the mind already. But the body gasps, and in the mean time success goes farther away.

The earth you fall on soils your image, quakes to bring down the last ounce of self-confidence you had striven so hard to establish, and buries the thin line between self-respect and ego. The self-respect makes you believe you deserve a punishment, at least a solitary confinement in this world. The ego makes you refrain from the apology you owe. You believe that parents and friends should abandon you for this sin. But they don't.

They offer their hand to help you get up. You hate them for trusting a man like you. May be because you love them so much you fear failing them. But they have no reasons. They possess only faith, totally unconditional faith. They promise to walk with you till the end. They promise to hunt down this success you had always chased. They hold your trembling hand till the last judgment day, the day when fate announces in a grand ceremony, whether you won or lost.

You recall your worst nightmares when the special guests of the ceremony make their boring speeches. The environment makes you unable to decide between excitement and desperation. You evaluate your chances. May be it is possible. You think of the various ways to react if you win. The heart skips multiple beats. May be you are not going to make it. May be because you didn't listen to the speeches, may be because you weren't clapping, may be because you weren't humble enough. And then Fate announces,”First prize goes to IM-121 Omni-Desk”.

I thought it was a dream. Pinches pull you out of dreams. Hugs from Khudaah, Master and Dude pushed me into reality.

The Right Moment

All your life you wait for the right moment to arrive. The right moment and the right person with whom you share your deepest secrets and feelings. It is not that you guys aren't fast friends but it never occurred to you that this person can become so important in life. All the while you could only appreciate how funny and cool-to-hang-out this friend was, but it surprises you how understanding he really is.

You believed that this world doesn't really care about your silly woes and problems. You made new friends in college but never shared your deepest feelings; only afraid that this friend won't be interested. There had been strong urges to tell this friend how you feel. But you deferred; because it wasn't the right time and you hoped that some day you would share these little things with him. You had justified then that it was too early.

The right moment arrives and you want to tell all. The moment is so bizarre that you cannot help but smile. The Moment is different for different people. To some it advents while relaxing on the golden sand beaches with sun setting on the horizon. To some, the long drive down the open road overwhelms the mind with emotions and feelings. To some, it is a sleepy hour past midnight when you are perched on the Upper Berth of a train heading back home and you are really thinking of pulling the chain. To some, it is a lonely dinner and a long ride on a cold wintry night. To some, it is one of those last laughs and tears shared on the stairs of college. Sometimes it is just another sleepless night and an SMS explains the whole reason behind insomnia.

At this moment, you just can't hold it anymore. You want to tell how you feel about that girl, how you feel about God, how you feel about parents, how exactly you had proposed or how much efforts went in vain while pursuing and also the deepest fears of loneliness. You wish the moment never passes. But there is so much to tell. You realize you waited too long. You worry whether this moment will arrive again or whether there will be anybody ever again to listen whatever you want to say.

Time has to run out. Always rushing. It mocks at our inability to catch up. You wish you could put a leg and trip Time down. It passes by unnoticed. Time is invisible. It is unfair. Sometimes you are tired of this game. Time defeats you. Time is invincible. Every time you are ready to intercept Time, it is either too late or too early. Why is Time so impatient?! May be because of... The Reason.

There is so much left to say, so much left to share, so much left to understand and so much left to free you from this burden. But anyway those moments were amazing. There is a lot left inside. May be some other day. You know, the sunset moment has to pass to make way for sunrise.

Getting elder by the minute

Try to recall the oldest memories in your mind. How old were you then? Four or may be Five. The memories do not seem that old, do they? You had your own ideas about the world, conscience, and about yourself. You had those childish dreams which seem so unrealistic now.

Making friends was so easy then. You just had to lend the first two fingers of your hand, kiss it off and you get yourself a friend. If things didn't work out the little finger came to the rescue, “katti – foo”! Dosti – Katti were two transitions that used to happen as frequently as sunrise – sunset. You had no idea what betrayal is. May be some cheating from their side during “hide and seek” always ended up you as a seeker. Or umpired out of a forbidden fast ball in the “galli cricket” Things never were complicated back then.

You did some terrible things like giving a funeral service to your buddy fish in the aquarium which died on a hot sumer afternoon. It was crazy but felt right. School taught to help the helpless and you brought home a cute looking puppy, which was not welcomed by mom. You emulated all the fight scenes in movies and imitated your favorite hero with shirts unbuttoned!

Aspiring was easier than dreaming; oblivious to how exactly you going to achieve it; not caring whether you have the capability in the first place. Gradually education made you smarter in laws like gravity and you realized that flying like Super-man isn't really possible Those cool maneuvers of Turbo-Kat jet by the Swat-Kats defied all laws of centrifugal force!! All the powers Shaktiman had weren't real!

You had no idea about caste and creed. It was never an issue. Names were enough when you made friends. The fact that this person has the bat or ball to play cricket sufficed and not his ancestral background. History taught about great divide among the people. And suddenly you became very very aware of the surnames.

World is so complicated that figuring it out is like playing hide and seek again. The difference is that you are the seeker every day. When young you counted till 10-Mississippi before all the friends hid themselves. Every morning you get up the Mississippi count is over. You wish you didn't have to open your eyes.

Every day when you look back in the past you are elder. You understand you are more intelligent and smarter. As a child you always wanted to become a grown-up. And then when you look in the mirror; the present; you ask yourself whether the choices and decisions you made were right; whether this is the image of the grown-up you always wanted to become.