The Garden in Life

I run, dance and merry go round
in this garden in my life.
There are so many beautiful things here
And to me they are all dear.

Trees are tall and splendid
I run with the wind circling around the trunks
It has finally took down the neat looking leaf
But to catch it, not that simple!

The leaf goes away with the wind, to catch I run
because I enjoy, and it seems to be fun.
The wind soon gets tired of the game
The leaf is mine! but its dry... how lame!

The garden doesn’t seem that beautiful now
I get bored, I get sad
But a movement catches my eye
Oh look its a butterfly...

She is so... I have no words
I want to touch her vibrant colors
I try to reach her, but she goes away far
I hide behind the roses, don’t mind the scar!

I give up and look around
It is lonely, It is sad
I might as well finish the tree house
I came here to build

The house looks the same
I had last left it. It is not perfect
It is not holding up even this time
I plan to write a poem out of this, this part doesn’t even rhyme!

I break it and decide to rebuild
But I get stuck again at the same step
I decide tree-house is bad idea and destroy
Let me catch the leaf.. may be this one isn’t dry.

Dil Chahta Hai

“I miss you!”. Three words and you never say it often. You were not sure how badly this

realization will strike after that last good-bye hug. You wished to cry. There were too many memories that flashed as they asked you to take care and keep in touch. But for some vague assumption that it will be inappropriate, you kept nodding.

It was difficult to take farewell from so many people every day and getting the same feeling. Each one of them must have said bye and hugged you 100 times. You then remembered that you have to leave and they understood. But then somebody brought up an old distant memory or incident and then you discussed the same way you had been doing. They called you all the dirty,sweet and cool names you were known for, even while shaking hands the umpteenth time and supposedly last.

Now, you have nothing but the countless folders in your computer accumulated over these years containing images from VGA quality to high definition. Some of them blurred and dark, whose significance is known to only few. There are no captions but you can effortlessly recall what the photo is about. The moments can replay vividly in the mind. Dear friend, I wish time stood still with this photo.

We are so different. We are not kindred spirits. Yet, a part of my subconscious made me talk to you. There were circumstances, when I even faked my attitude, my behaviour; when I was consciously - not me, just to hang around. But now my friend I realize, may be I didn’t fake it, may be you made me discover a new me.

Destinations, journey, cross-roads. I look back to see the past in the eye. The situation is similar but the feeling is not. I thought I could take it, but it depresses more every time. I thought it was a train journey and I even changed my mind about alighting down the next station. But now, we seem like the balls in the ball-in-the-maze puzzle; God steering every individual’s destiny towards a goal.

Bags were zipped up. The car was waiting in the rain. It was time to pull up the window. The water droplets did an excellent job of hiding my tears; perhaps yours as well. Now, “dil chahta hai” this car left for a long drive, to a scary place, to discuss ghosts, to atop the hill, to an overpriced restaurant or may be to nowhere in particular!

Zipping my memories

Until yesterday you and I stood on same earth. But what is happening today? My earth seemingly revolves in opposite direction. The clock you gifted me shows absurd time. I am looking in the direction you mentioned. I am focusing hard dear, but I don’t see red colour splashed on the horizon. I turned all around, not a breeze ruffled my hairdo.

My sight seems myopic. Your face appears blurring. How can I catch your wink and know our next prank? I am unable to figure out from eyes’ sparkle whether you are excited or crying a river. I am waiting for that one blink of assurance sweetheart that I am not alone and never will be.

I am not good at lip reading dear. There is a commotion here. I don’t hear my nasty nick name. Did you burst out laughter or wince in pain? But you guaranteed that you read and you got a phone too. I have been shouting that I will miss you and love you forever. Could you also notice the tremble?

Oh I see your hand waving goodbye! We need a last loud high-five. The senile hand doesn’t know her support will be away only for a while. I want to hold your face in my palms. I got a touch screen device to make up. I run my finger across your face and the crappy UI interferes.

I can’t stop my reverse trail. I wish the horizon spread a little farther. Or I could accommodate it in my bag! I am so helpless without you dear? How can I drink away all your tears? How can I hug into your caring heart? How can I kiss for our endless love?

Cry

He straightened up and bulged out his heavy chest against the gale. The air circled around his waist, his arms and the ribcage could feel the temperature difference. The shoulders were relentlessly trying to pull back the bare chest, the arms trying to embrace the waist and avert the shiver and crack of ribs. The face was helpless; enduring all the scarring. They all endured and persevered for the sake of eyes. Cause eyes were timid; cause it was time when eyes would take too long to come out of their protective shell and confront the strong wind. The rest were patient though and knew, that eyes had to come out eventually; it all seemed a ritual lately.

Deep inside the brain, there was a pandemonium. Control and Instinct had long gone haywire. None of the two knew who mastered whom. May be their roles were reversed or perhaps both intertwined like the yin-yang. They both battled and the consequence was a naked body standing in the cold wind’s way. Mind was busy reminiscing the past, the misfortune, the mistakes and the aftermath. It seemed dormant now, completely battered and clobbered. The scenes of life so far, started- first slowly and then in an endless replay mode. Eyes were both witness and the convict for recording them.

There was no recollection of the good times in life. He was prepared, nurtured and trained for the toughest, fiercest challenges. But choices and decisions turned some uneven pages in life. The bed of roses suddenly transformed into a labyrinth of thorns. The might was adequate, the success was officially awarded, but the sacrifice made was too much. The mirth of success was short-lived. Perhaps he ran too fast for others to keep up. He climbed the podium and looked back. The cheers were gone. So was the person for whom this was all about. What is success? Is it what you have accomplished? Or is it what you are left with?

They say dreams have substance when they are not companions of your sound sleep but catalysts to insomnia. He had too many of them. The early morning alarm bells were just his wake-up calls that ‘it hadn’t happened’. The rest of the day had been spent pondering ‘what if it will?’. But the dreams never materialized. An atheist he, asks secretly to the supposed Almighty; one question, “Why others’, why not mine?”. “Were others the first to dream that? Or they deserved more than me? ” “Are all my dreams disruptive to Your Natural Order and Scheme of Things?”. What are dreams? Are they spiritual guidance, a God’s message? Or are they extreme scientific hallucinations; a chemical imbalance?

A hail stone brushed the cheek, the arms loosened and the sudden chill interrupted the play. The brain was exhausted, almost given up. It somehow started its routine monitoring of the body. Eyes had no intention to open up. The shoulders were adamant in their position. The arms tightened again. The face just took another scar. Lungs reluctantly inhaled and mixed oxygen in blood. But there was an unusual activity in the heart. Who was directing it? Control or Instinct?

The heart was in its best form. The pumping of blood throughout the body was being carried out with full efficiency. Brain dropped by, to perform a last status check. Inside a thousand memories resided. All of them of love, care and affection. All of them from friends, family and the one person who always waited, cared and loved. Brain was stunned. Heart patted, brain swung back violently, Heart smiled and said, “Whenever you are ready! Take your time.” Brain knelt! The pandemonium that had broken out, broke off. Eyes had only one way to love back, it came out of their protective shell. The sight of the clouds hugging and kissing the snow capped mountain peak was overwhelming. Then, flood.

The Last Glimpse

It is harder than anticipated. It is more precise than the wildest guess. It has become too painful for preparedness you have developed to face this ugly truth. All the efforts to comfort this blow have turned out futile.

“It is never too late!” Not entirely true is it? Now God punishes us for the things we deferred. Here come the moments that make you realize they are the last ones. It is like trying to carry home the sands at sea shores. Silently those cute little particles slip out of your clench. And by the time you reach home, you learn that you are alone; the sands abandon you.

Man is such a helpless animal. He boasts about being the smartest species on earth. But in some corner of his brain’s counterpart –mind; he knows he cannot live alone. He finally understands that the blood was just keeping the brain alive; the mind was thriving on emotions and feelings. All these years you spent your life painting a masterpiece. The picture was almost getting complete, when God stole your colors away.

These are some moments when you turn to God. Praying to him to bring back the time to complete that unfinished dance step on the DJ floor with your friend. Requesting to bring back the situation when a sitcom made you laugh so hard you thought you were going to pass out from the stomachache. Kneeling down and begging one last rain when you don’t care about the mobile phone and the cool drops make the feeling of freedom re-surface. Pleading to slow down time because you haven’t yet framed the sentences to tell that girl how much you love her.

Relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. You are one of the many pieces. All the while you strived needlessly to make yourself perfect. Life teaches that all pieces are imperfect for a reason. Their irregularity is what makes easier for them to accommodate each other. It is another of the nature’s miracles when it shows that these unshaped pieces take shape into a beautiful picture.

Things are ending like a sunset. It looks so beautiful that you promise to stare it forever. But the dusk is waiting for that slight eye-blink to subtly take over. Eyes are welling up. I don't know whether it is because of staring-strain or emotions. But I don't want to miss this Last Glimpse.

It Is Time

There are times when you really want to give up. You are tired of proving yourself to the world, done with all the failures and incapability. You have no idea why you are doing this. This burden of proving yourself gets heavier everyday. Your soul and mind aches under the enormous weight of challenges, lessons and experiences. You discover that the only struggle easier than today's was yesterday's.

It is not that you have not seen yourself succeed in life. But success never stays with you longer. It has to go away and you have to keep chasing it till you lose your breath and collapse to the earth. Every fall scars your face. The salt in those tears make the wounds even more painful. Getting up becomes impossible. The heart pounds hard against the rough rocks beneath you. The lungs cry out for air. When you look at the injured self, you make up your mind that may be It is time. You wish the heart stops or the lungs give in. You kill the mind already. But the body gasps, and in the mean time success goes farther away.

The earth you fall on soils your image, quakes to bring down the last ounce of self-confidence you had striven so hard to establish, and buries the thin line between self-respect and ego. The self-respect makes you believe you deserve a punishment, at least a solitary confinement in this world. The ego makes you refrain from the apology you owe. You believe that parents and friends should abandon you for this sin. But they don't.

They offer their hand to help you get up. You hate them for trusting a man like you. May be because you love them so much you fear failing them. But they have no reasons. They possess only faith, totally unconditional faith. They promise to walk with you till the end. They promise to hunt down this success you had always chased. They hold your trembling hand till the last judgment day, the day when fate announces in a grand ceremony, whether you won or lost.

You recall your worst nightmares when the special guests of the ceremony make their boring speeches. The environment makes you unable to decide between excitement and desperation. You evaluate your chances. May be it is possible. You think of the various ways to react if you win. The heart skips multiple beats. May be you are not going to make it. May be because you didn't listen to the speeches, may be because you weren't clapping, may be because you weren't humble enough. And then Fate announces,”First prize goes to IM-121 Omni-Desk”.

I thought it was a dream. Pinches pull you out of dreams. Hugs from Khudaah, Master and Dude pushed me into reality.

The Right Moment

All your life you wait for the right moment to arrive. The right moment and the right person with whom you share your deepest secrets and feelings. It is not that you guys aren't fast friends but it never occurred to you that this person can become so important in life. All the while you could only appreciate how funny and cool-to-hang-out this friend was, but it surprises you how understanding he really is.

You believed that this world doesn't really care about your silly woes and problems. You made new friends in college but never shared your deepest feelings; only afraid that this friend won't be interested. There had been strong urges to tell this friend how you feel. But you deferred; because it wasn't the right time and you hoped that some day you would share these little things with him. You had justified then that it was too early.

The right moment arrives and you want to tell all. The moment is so bizarre that you cannot help but smile. The Moment is different for different people. To some it advents while relaxing on the golden sand beaches with sun setting on the horizon. To some, the long drive down the open road overwhelms the mind with emotions and feelings. To some, it is a sleepy hour past midnight when you are perched on the Upper Berth of a train heading back home and you are really thinking of pulling the chain. To some, it is a lonely dinner and a long ride on a cold wintry night. To some, it is one of those last laughs and tears shared on the stairs of college. Sometimes it is just another sleepless night and an SMS explains the whole reason behind insomnia.

At this moment, you just can't hold it anymore. You want to tell how you feel about that girl, how you feel about God, how you feel about parents, how exactly you had proposed or how much efforts went in vain while pursuing and also the deepest fears of loneliness. You wish the moment never passes. But there is so much to tell. You realize you waited too long. You worry whether this moment will arrive again or whether there will be anybody ever again to listen whatever you want to say.

Time has to run out. Always rushing. It mocks at our inability to catch up. You wish you could put a leg and trip Time down. It passes by unnoticed. Time is invisible. It is unfair. Sometimes you are tired of this game. Time defeats you. Time is invincible. Every time you are ready to intercept Time, it is either too late or too early. Why is Time so impatient?! May be because of... The Reason.

There is so much left to say, so much left to share, so much left to understand and so much left to free you from this burden. But anyway those moments were amazing. There is a lot left inside. May be some other day. You know, the sunset moment has to pass to make way for sunrise.